C’mon Horoscope!

You know that feeling when you’re reading your horoscope and it actually gets it right? Like, it’s so weird and cool at the same time and it just amazes you?

Yeah well, today it wasn’t like that.

It’s Tuesday and I’m kind of sad with the fact that this app actually got it wrong for the first time in such a long time.

“Ana… are you for real on this one?”

I’m afraid to tell you that, yeah I am.

I’m a Taurus and believe me when I say that I am very Taurean, except for the fact that I’m not good looking. Go read about Taureans and you’ll see that there’s always this topic of beauty and sensuality. That’s the only mistake on my Taureaness (it’s that even a word?)

Anyway.

In my horoscope today, it says that everyone around me is very dramatic and blah, blah, blah, and that I will want to run away. Drama?! Nope, everyone is pretty calm today, thank God.

But it goes on. Blah, blah, blah, I need to push past my fear of change. Fear of change? Only if it is for the worst! That sure as hell scares me!

And then it ends saying that I’ll be happier after a much-needed discussion. Discussion? I don’t feel like that’s going to happen today.

“The day isn’t over yet…”

Fact. But well, with whom could I end up having a discussion? Not to mention that I’m actually quite relaxed today, which is pretty cool, I’ve to say.

When it comes to the qualities or flaws that are pointed out to us Taureans, I have to say, at least for my defense, that I know that I’m stubborn. I know so. I am very, very stubborn. But the thing is: most of the time this oh so famous stubbornness is actually simply misunderstood persistence.

Yes, you read that right: persistence.

I am very persistent. I might have my head full of doubts, but if I want to get things done I’ll be determined to finish it at any cost, even if that implies to come off as stubborn.

It’s alright with me, after all we already talked about those pointed fingers and opinions that, if, as most of the time happens, are incorrect and unfair, we must keep going and we must keep ourselves together.

The odd thing about this persistence is the way it leads me to be too hard on myself. Whenever that happens, doubts immediately follow and I lose my steadiness for a while, making it difficult to remember what got me started in first place.

Like for instance: why do I keep writing? What made me think that I can pursue this path for me and what made me connect with it so easily that I can see myself doing it forever till the end of my days on this Earth?

I don’t know.

But I’m still here.

“Why?”

Because I can’t simply give up on it.

I’m going to be completely honest with you right now – today I didn’t felt like writing at all. I didn’t know where to start, I didn’t know where the horoscope theme would lead and I seriously thought who in Heaven would care about the fact that a simple daily sign didn’t suit my current mood. But I started writing about it anyway and now I arrived to the real trouble of my problem: my infinite doubts.

I know that you’re probably thinking that I need to sort this thing out, that I can’t keep going having these doubts all the time, after all it doesn’t sound healthy or fun (I can guarantee it isn’t fun.), but the truth is that I’m aware of the way I come circling back to this state of mind where my heart and my reason try to have a fight with each other. Maybe, who knows, this is the discussion my horoscope talked about – the fight between what I want and love, at the same time my reason tells me to open my eyes and see that I lack the talent to keep this nonsense dream of being a writer alive.

But, dear reason, I already am a writer. I don’t need anyone to nod their heads, pat me on the back and tell me that I am a writer when I already know I am so.

As long as I keep writing and I don’t give up, I will always be a writer. After all that’s what I do – I write. About chocolate and horoscopes, but the point is that I don’t stop doing it not even when I don’t feel the words coming to me, or better say, when I don’t find the way towards words.

Sure I am a young writer. I am too green on the subject and it will take me a long time to become great at it. But do I really want to be great? I just want to write for the sake of it, because I need to do so! Sure I want to be good, if I’m not good, well I might not consider this as a job, but I want to be decent enough to find my voice and reach people’s hearts, your hearts, and change you for the better, giving you a little bit of hope while you read my rants of my struggles (and my craziness. That too.)

I know I have a long way in front of me in order to become at least half of the writer and a third of the person that I want to be. But the time and effort that will take to get there doesn’t scare me.

I don’t fear a good change, as my horoscope said I did. I fear the fact that things will change for worst and I find myself back in a position of struggling within the darkest moments of my life. I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want to go back to a state of sadness and the feeling of looking around and see nowhere to go.

Yes, I still feel lost, that’s true I really do. I still don’t know where to go, but I’ve heard that the twenties is the time to find that out, it’s the years where we are searching for our voice and we probably search too hard for answers that we’re not supposed to have, at least not yet and some maybe never.

There must be a reason why we don’t know everything. Like the simple fact of how boring life would get if we knew everything and nothing would get our attention ever again. That, if you ask me, sounds really boring and a real bummer. Who would be able to live like that? Without no wonder and no sense of adventure because, well, who would need adventure when they already knew why the Earth revolves around the sun and that it is round and not a square? Oh wait. That’s science. Wrong example!

Basically: I am a young and lost aspiring writer who can’t give up of her passion due to the amount of stories inside of her head that don’t go away and she can’t possible handle the weight of their voices begging to be heard.

I know what I’m writing now it’s not a fiction, we can consider this a memoir, but I have a lot of different worlds inside of my head that thrill me and invite me to discover them every day. Now, isn’t that an adventure?

I can’t honestly know what is going to come out of this path for me, but I hope that, somehow, I can grow in the process and that I will become a better person in time.

Yes, I am still afraid. I am afraid because this matters. But I can’t let fear stop me from trying.

“Ana… Here. Have some chocolate.”

With Love,
Ana.

Advertisement

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s