Throwback Thursday

It was a beautiful summer day. We were driving along the seaside and I almost had my nose glued to the window watching a few air force airplanes doing tricks in the blue sky, leaving a white trail behind them, when we stopped in a red light and two guys on their bicycles caught my eye, while going the opposite way. One of them caught me looking at them and actually, as unexpected as it seemed to me, he looked back and waved.

A stranger.

A complete stranger.

A complete stranger on his bicycle waved at me.

How random is that?!

So flash news, folks: there’s still hope. There’s still good people in this world.

I suppose. At least that’s the way I like to look at this random act of a stranger that brought a smile to my face.

Yes, it really made me smile because I wasn’t expecting it at all. It’s so easy to observe through the window of the car that I probably didn’t remember the fact that I can also be seen.

(Self-face palm.)

The most incredible thing about this random act of kindness of a random stranger on the seaside, is the fact that, if you had doubts when I told you to smile to a stranger, if you were really second guessing yourself wondering if you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself, now here’s the proof: it really works! I smiled!

Sure that you are allowed to doubt me, after all, I am crazy and, well, a mess, but all that doesn’t matter because a stranger made me smile, which was all that was needed in order to prove my point. So we can all be a bunch of crazy people together waving at each other from now on because it works. Like it’s scientifically proven! By me. Isn’t that enough for you to believe? I had science in school, fellows! That should count for something right?

Anyway!

The good thing is that my faith in humanity grew a tiny little bit more. Maybe that guy doesn’t really care or maybe he does. Well, I’ll never know, but I’d say that he does. Slightly.

“Well…”

Fine.

Maybe he doesn’t, maybe he’s not like me at all! I love everything and everyone catches my attention. I get interested in everyone that I see on the street, especially those people who I won’t ever see again like this stranger on his bicycle. Questions such as “where are they going” or “how are they feeling” cross my mind while I observe them disappearing.

I’m in love all the time. I fall in and out of love every day. I love everything. I love everyone. I guess I’m very open to people and I get amazed with characters and gestures – the way they laugh, look and move their bodies – and a simple glimpse of an eye contact is enough to make me think about someone for the rest of the day.

And that’s exactly what happened with Beagle Boy.

So! Let me tell you the story in a way that won’t allow the blame and shame to fill me all over again because I messed up the opportunity of talking with this cute guy by running away.

I love dogs and ever since this beagle was little, I always thought he was super cute, you know, just as every dog, but I never really paid that much attention to its owner. (I know, shame on me.)

On a Saturday, I was arriving at home with my family and as I walked towards my building I hear my mother call me. I wasn’t in a very good mood that day, to be honest, and I was so distracted that I didn’t even realize the guy was walking his dog on my street. As I look back, the beagle actually looked at me. And so did his owner. And in that glimpse of a moment, when our eyes met, I instantly thought “damn it! I’m so not good enough.” And, with those words echoing in my head, I ran away.

We are neighbors. And no, fellows, that’s not enough to start a small talk since I actually ruined the best opportunity to do such a thing.

Yes, sure, that doesn’t mean it will be the last one, the thing is that… well, I still won’t be good enough by the time of that next opportunity, now will I?

That’s the main issue I suppose.

I can’t love anyone waiting to fix myself with their love because as soon as they are gone I will be feeling way worse than before. I can’t fill my own holes and lack of love for myself with somebody else’s love because when they are gone I’ll be left with the same old empty holes that will feel colder than they ever did.

It is true that the fact of knowing that someone loves you helps you feeling better but we have to love ourselves too. We must.

And by saying that I’m not good enough, I’m not doing it at all. It’s most likely silly to think that the Beagle Boy won’t ever look at me twice, but even if that’s true, that doesn’t mean that someone else won’t.

I suppose the lack of interesting guys in my life made me acknowledge as a fact that every guy is going to simply ignore me because I’m not cool or pretty enough.

When all the words that were once said under the rain in a bus stop to be, weeks later, forgotten as nothing happened and seeing that person with someone else, I started doubting every word spoken and the struggle that lies on every rainy day is actually based on the thought that a beautiful moment died instead of growing.

When feelings aren’t expressed when they are felt but only after, when they don’t matter at all, I wonder what if we weren’t afraid of actually telling someone that we like them? Wouldn’t that be a better plan than letting them know that we once had feelings for them? But my main question goes to the guy that did this: were you expecting me to guess that you still liked me when you told me you didn’t anymore?

And there will always be the first crush, that one that sticks with you longer than the others. But he clearly wasn’t the one either. He had his own ideas of when and for what he needed me in his life. I suppose he knew how to be charming or maybe it just came naturally to him, but he didn’t have to think twice when he avoided talking with me when he was with his friends, as if he didn’t know me at all.

Some things hurt, others are confusing, and well, maybe I shouldn’t fall so deeply into a new crush, but I do and I’ve got to deal with it, but I do believe that this isn’t a curse or whatsoever. I like to be curious. I like my attention. That’s what made me perceive the stranger on the seaside, now wasn’t it?

So let’s all just keep our hopes up in random human beings that will wave at us whenever we have our noses glued to the car’s window!

Not that all of you are planning to look as silly as me, but you get my point.

Let’s also be those random strangers.

We all shall not deny a smile, a greeting or a wave to someone else if we catch them looking at us.

We need, or better say we must, be nice to each other. I really do believe that if we were, this world would be a better place.

Don’t you?

With Love,
Ana.

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