Question

“There’s a lingering question
That keeps revolving
On my brain, as if it’s poison,
Constantly coming back to haunt me.

The wonder makes me dizzy,
I’m too rational for all this guessing,
Too tired to face life as a game
I keep not knowing how to play.

Will I ever be happy?
If it’s a choice to be so,
Why do I keep falling down the rabbit hole
When all I ever did was try to find something to hold?

Fighting demons made me grow,
But I’m still living amongst the ruins,
Shattered heart, unhealed wounds,
Eagerly striving to find a place to go home to…”

Ana.

On my own

“Don’t leave me waiting,
Don’t leave me wondering,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To help, to guide, to save you.

But if I’m drowning
How can you be running?
Further away, are you a blur
Or has the sunlight finally blinded me?

I’m forever the one bleeding
Through my storms and from the cut you did on me for leaving,
How can you close your eyes at night to sleep?
How isn’t the memory of me haunting your dreams?

I won’t crush your parade, baby,
But I hope you know I’ve never needed anyone to save me,
I’m still striving, I’m still cruising,
Loosened ties, on my own, I’m dancing.”

Ana.

I know

“I’m not the little girl I used to be
But she is still inside me,
Trembling with fear,
Suffocating with anxiety.

How can this be?
Even after all these years,
Through sticks and stones and rocky roads,
I’m yet an amateur, shaking on my tightrope.

It has been a life of baby steps,
Take cares and goodbyes,
All heartfelt, but most unsaid,
Haunting me through time.

Nonetheless, my wrecked path is still my own,
Through it I follow so to grow,
And no matter how painful or how low,
I know there’ll always be a light in my soul.”

Ana.

Around the fire

“Pain strangles me but I won’t cry,
Even though I miss you tonight,
Craving more than I can have,
Forgetting the needed explanation I never gave.

I set myself on fire
Burning all my deepest desires,
Hoping my annihilation would save you
From seeing how much I wanted to hold you.

My flesh’s gone, my heart’s done,
Lighter with only scorched bones
My skeleton sardonically danced,
Never again checking my phone.

Funny how when the night came,
The fire I kept alive so to dance
Warmed me enough to still remember my pen,
Growing in me the everlasting truth: I’ll write till the end.

So with the wolves I dance
Around the fire to find solace,
Having for company the stars
And the moon as my confident.”

Ana.

The end

“As days go by, I feel it in me,
The end with no beginning
Has finally come to meet me,
So I greet it as a friend
Since your silence no longer agonizes me.

The hopeful words I kept on feeding
My heart, my soul, my whole being,
Have lost weight and meaning,
Regressing into a fog that doesn’t stop me from breathing.

I thought I had done it before but now I know
You were the first I have ever truly loved,
Forgive me for the flaws I need to polish
To ever deserve a love, I’m still unworthy to wish for.

For me, I’ll keep on nourishing
My heart that loves to flourish
From smiles and beautiful rhymes,
That shall always echo in me through time…”

Ana.

Rain falls

“Breaking the heat’s shield,
The rain falls
Softly, killing the thirst
Of souls, bodies and dying flowers.

My growth now allows me
To understand how beautifully
Rain eases pain,
A cleanser of heaviness and heartache.

To learn to hope for it
Eagerly, has brought me a step closer
To the peace I swore could wait no longer
To meet, to grasp, to welcome at last.

So, of Patience I must plant a seed,
To care through seasons and whims
Of Nature and trying times,
Hoping for Love to rest my anxious mind.”

Ana.

Post-war

“Starts are just stars,
Hearts are just hearts,
Blood is just red,
You, hauntingly, said.

What if I gave it meaning?
I gave it sparkle, I gave it poetry,
All of me fighting a war within me
To believe that, if our paths have crossed, it must be destiny.

What if I believe in it?
Would it change anything?
Shutting your own heart to silence,
You refused to see the love I gifted you was a seed.

Unaware of the wrecked path you left behind,
Now, my dreamy heart will learn to mend
From the post-war of your cold heart,
After I have mercifully declared the end.

I shall keep my seed of love and I will nourish it,
Planting it back within my heart so it will flourish,
Hoping this time, I’ll learn from the start
To love myself before blossoming for another man’s heart.”

Ana.

Still

“I’m a mess you would never understand,
I sleep with angels and with demons I share a dance,
Playing back and forth as dirty as they did me,
Twisting words to get them to rhyme,
A mermaid on the rocks chanting a sweet lullaby.

Intertwined reality with passionate fantasy,
I’m your all and your nothing –
I’ve left you in the cold but you’ll still forgive me
Because it hurts too much when you only get to see
My face wandering in the shadows when I’m not near,
Grasping the meaning of my presence only after I leave.

We hang on to nothing,
Feeling so cold it’s odd it’s still summer,
Icy hearts battle a silence of steal,
Forever knowing we never truly leave
Those to whom we meant something.

Keep my memory close to your heart
So tonight, I can feel your heartbeat in mine,
For if we are connected behind reason and realms,
It would explain the magnetic way I think of you still.”

Ana.

All & Nothing

“I’m your all and your nothing,
I rise and I fall,
I cry a waterfall
But then you find me laughing.

I loved you to end up hating you,
Running away when I wanted to stay,
So quickly I did it, as intriguing as it is,
My absence might now be haunting you.

I treasure silence whilst missing noise,
Afraid being alone turns to being lonely;
So I grab my pen and try to make sense
Of the senseless thoughts that run through my head,
Knowing that perhaps one day I’ll end up writing
Something I might learn to love even when I hate it.”

Ana.

I search for signs

“I search for signs in the stars,
Throwing my blessing with the cards,
Desperately trying to find
A way to mend us this time.

Forgive me for I know
This is all my doing;
I set my intentions too soon
And now I spend my time missing you.

I thought the distance was needed
For us to follow our own paths freely,
But now I see I’m too attached to this feeling
To be able to live willingly.

I miss you more than I could have ever anticipated
And I’m not sure if there’s still a part in your life I could take
So I could be near you without hurting,
For my heart chants more and never stops hoping…”

Ana.